Awful 80s Fashion #9 or "Oh Yes We Did!"

It's been quite a long time since I posted an installment of Awful 80s Fashion for you. If you'd like to see the first 8 posts, simply type "awful 80s" in the search box down there in the left column.

Yes, my friends. We really did wear this stuff. If you're too young to have lived through the 80s, have a laugh at our expense. If you did live through it with me, let me jog your memory a bit. Lest you think these styles were only worn by "youngsters" or only sold by trendy shops, all these images came from Summer 1985 mail order catalogs sent out by Bergdorf Goodman, Saks Fifth Avenue, and Bonwit Teller. Oh, yes. Yes, we did.

I confess. I had several of these sets that consisted of "cutesy" oversized t-shirts worn over matching "cutesy" tights. No, I won't show you a picture. You can't make me! This set by James Berry had a fish print tee with cropped tights printed with fish scales. Sold at Bergdorf Goodman in 1985 for $106 (about $217 in today's dollar.)

If you weren't wearing a t-shirt over your tights, you were wearing a huge plaid shirt with linebacker shoulder pads. And ankle socks. And jazz shoes. Admit it, yes you were. Both pieces by Diane B. Sold at Bergdorf Goodman in 1985 for $148 (about $303 in today's dollar.)

In 1985, we wore flowered pants with elastic waists and tapered legs. Diversions cotton separates. Sold at Bonwit Teller in 1985 for $34 (about $70 in today's dollar.)

We wore jumpsuits.....big oversized jumpsuits. We wore them with scrunchy socks and Keds. Pure white would do, but blinding neon colors were better. It was not easy to go to the bathroom wearing these things. And how many times did you drop your sleeve in the toilet, hmmmm? Both jumpsuits here by Naf Naf. Sold at Bergdorf Goodman in 1985 for $98 (about $201 in today's dollar.)

I shudder to remember this. Weren't we sexy in our stretch lace catsuits? I don't think I need to elaborate. Lily of France stretch nylon lace unitard. Sold at Saks Fifth Avenue in 1985 for $25 (about $51 in today's dollar.)

Awful 80s Fashion #8

It's been two months since my last Awful 80's post. How time flies! Today, Awful 80s fashion for the man in your life.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" "Oh, I don't know.....how about salmon?"

"Maybe if I lean up against my expensive car, they won't notice my pants."

Preppy checklist. Plaid jacket with green lining, check. Pink shirt, check. Green pants, check. Pink belt and pocket square, check. Wire rimmed glasses, check. Bow tie, check. Want to bet he's wearing pink Docksiders with no socks?????

Model: Take the picture quick before anyone sees me in this thing.

"I know, honey! Let's be twins today!"

He's big and bold, alright.

"What's the matter? What?????"

Awful 80s Fashion #7

Today, another in our series on Awful 80s Fashion! Are you too thin, too toned, too tiny? Here's how to add pounds instantly!

Wear a dress cut from big squares of fabric and add horizontal stripes across your hips!

Wear a waist length chunky knit sweater and add puff sleeves for even more width!

Take a big bold print with horizontal stripes and zig-zags, add pleats and huge shoulder pads!

Wear a pastel skirt with lots of pleats and three times as much fabric as you need. Add a sweater vest that blousons at the waist!

Wear a big, bold plaid with gathers at your hips. Add an oversized sailor collar and a bow for that cutesy, innocent look!

Wear colored ankle socks with white shoes. Add a sweater vest that two of you could fit into.

All photos from a 1985 Neiman Marcus catalog. Yes, Neiman Marcus!

Awful 80s Fashion #6

Today, the 6th in our series of public service announcements about how not to dress. I bring you Awful 80s Fashion!

Do I really need to say anything?

Do my ankles look fat? Hell, yes!

Why do designers think we want to look like little kids? I don't know if you can tell in the insert picture, but the back of the sweater has the backs of the bunnies with real pom-pom tails. And Saks had the audacity to charge $180 for this sweater in 1985!

Take one sweater, add another sweater to each sleeve and you've got three sweaters in one!

Honey, I lost my underarms.

Add 10 pounds to your hips instantly with this amazing dress!

Even better, add 20 pounds!

I'm big, I'm bad, I'm plaid.

I actually like this cape-coat. But the photo cracks me up. Did someone call Zorro?

Awful 80s Fashion #5

It's April Fool's Day and the perfect opportunity for another installment in my series about awful 80's fashion. I'd love to tell you that these fashion nightmares are all jokes, but no, these are all actual garments that real people wore in 1983. I recommend that you don't wear any of this stuff......ever.

It's Batwing Girl to the rescue!

Colorblock gone wrong....very wrong.

Slap a couple of rectangles onto the shoulders of a normal dress and this is what you get.

Purple paisley is not sexy. Neither is tying your pant legs closed.

The caption under this picture in the original mail order catalog says, "No picture can do justice to this long cardigan sweater." I wonder why.

No "Awful 80s" post would be complete without plaid. This time it's turned at an angle and blown up into oversize. How not to wear plaid.

Don't people laugh at you when you have an ibix beak pointing at your boob?

Let this be a lesson to you. If you don't want people to look at your face, wear a bright border print at your hips.

Awful 80s Fashion #4

It's time for a bit of levity around here. Today, I bring you another in my series about Awful 80s Fashion. Please don't dress like this, OK?.............Please?

The way to a man's heart is not by putting a bulls-eye on your chest.

Is she stashing extra sandwiches for lunch under there? Just in case you were wondering, this is not a maternity outfit!

If our previous model was hiding sandwiches, just think what this one could stash under her shirt! An entire buffet dinner, perhaps?

OK, if you want to be taken seriously at the office, don't wear a sweater vest with piggies on it.

Stirrup pants were a crime against humanity. But stirrup pants in paisley? Even worse. And you know there was some woman somewhere who wore the paisley shirt with the paisley stirrup pants and thought she was somethin'.

Yeah, kinda like this gal in her paisley sweatsuit.

What the heck is that braided thing across her chest??????

Finally, in our men's department, no one should have to look at this shirt. I don't care if it is Izod. Adding the matching belt just makes it worse.

UPDATE: Come on over to Couture Allure's Facebook page. I'll be posting more awful 80s fashion throughout the day!

Awful 80s Fashion #3

Another installment in our public service posts about how not to dress - I bring you more awful 80s fashion.

Please don't wear sheer teal green pantyhose with teal green shoes. And please don't think your teal green legs look so hot that you need to expose more of them with a shirttail hemmed dress. Please.

UPDATED to add - If you want to see teal tights done right, take at look at Sal's outfit from yesterday at Already Pretty. She contrasts her opaque tights with a slim black skirt and black shoes. Not awful at all!

There's a way to do stripes right. This ain't it.

Better watch out if you live near the water and it's duck hunting season.

Grandma's doilies don't belong on your dress - especially as cuffs on your sleeves.

Plaid pants? Never. I said never! And please get a haircut.

Little embroidered whales on pants? Never. I SAID NEVER!

Only 2 more days to sign up for our latest giveaway - 1000 Hats! The book, not the hats.

Awful 80s Fashion #2

Awhile back, I promised you an ongoing series of fashion faux-pas from the 80s. But first, don't forget to sign up for our latest giveaway - 4 issues of "Vintage Fashions" magazine!

And now, for your Monday morning wake up call. Don't ever dress like this again, OK?

Honey, I lost my underarms!

A shaggy jacket made from acrylic string. I kid you not.

A lovely zip-up cardigan in acrylic popcorn crochet. Again, I kid you not.

And since you can't have a post about bad 80s fashion without some big-ass plaid....

Lest you think awful 80s fashion was the exclusive domain of women, here are the guys.

You can't get much worse than a cotton terrycloth jumpsuit.

Or maybe you can, if it's a cotton velour tracksuit.

Plaid for men. Help meeeeeeeeeeeee......